I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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