I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
