I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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