there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
