so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My vagina is officially offended.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
