If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
