If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
