angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
