just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
