my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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