I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
