Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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