your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
