my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
