I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
