the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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