I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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