I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
