I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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