he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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