i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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