Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
