i can't believe i had my finger in that
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
