I wish I could teleport
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
