God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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