i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
