Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
