i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
