there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
