i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
