The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my shit smells like andre
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
