I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
