i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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