I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
