The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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