i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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