Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
