I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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