Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
