I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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