fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
