I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
