I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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