That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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