He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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