She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
