Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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