y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
