checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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