nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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