even my farts smell like vagina
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
