So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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